DID YOU HAVE A 'GOOD ENOUGH' MOTHER?

"Where love is concerned, too much is not even enough.” - Pierre-Augustin de Beaumarchais

British pediatrician-turned-psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott wrote extensively about the need for us to have what he called a "good enough" mother. By this he meant that the infant has to be cared for, and have his or her needs met in a timely, sensitive, age-appropriate, and consistently dependable manner.

He does not say that a mother has to be exceptional or extraordinary in way. She is only required to be an "ordinary devoted mother" with "good enough" parenting skills, especially when her child is very young. I was struck by this seemingly simple concept several years ago, when I was doing a lot of work on mending the consequences of my own early life. I had loving, caring parents, whom I could talk to about anything, and yet there was still something missing. I always felt that I needed to work much harder than other people did in order to feel and be loved.

I found a few important clues that validated my feelings while I was doing some stream-of-conscious, or automatic writing several years ago. What a gift that was! I shared these clues with my mother, and she confirmed the information I'd received in my writing. Mum and my secondary caretaker, a nanny, were both ill and unable to mother me in a good enough way in the first few years of my life. i.e. they did not respond to my needs in a timely, sensitive, age-appropriate, and consistently dependable manner. Suffice to say that those early experiences of not receiving good enough mothering left their mark on me.

I believe that when we miss out on good enough mothering, for any reason whatsoever, we feel broken hearted in some way. I also know that our mothers did the very best that they could; and if they fell short, then it was most probably because they did not receive good enough mothering either. This was absolutely true in my own mother's case, because her mother was ill with cancer, and died when Mum was only 10 years old. So how could she have been a good enough mother to me, when no one had been a good enough mother to her? Maybe that's why I am so passionate about helping others begin mending their broken hearts from the very first time that they experienced that feeling.

What is your love story, and how has it affected your life?
I'd love to hear your story. Did you experience good enough mothering, or were there some family circumstances that caused you to feel neglected, abandoned, abused, not-seen, or invalidated. How have those experiences affected the way you relate to others? Perhaps you were lucky enough to have received good enough mothering. If so, I also like to hear from you. Tell me how your good enough mother has helped you in your life. I would really love to hear your stories. Please leave a comment here or write to me: chrisplatel@consciousconnections.com

My First Broken Heart

The Mending Broken Hearts Project is something that is very close to my heart - a heart that has been broken many times. The first time that I remember it being broken was when I was 13. I'd liked a brown-haired, dark-eyed boy whom I'd see at the local indoor swimming pool. He liked me too, and we flirted in a childish way in the chlorinated water on many Saturday afternoons that summer. We'd splash each other, and shyly laugh now and then.

I looked for him every week, and I was happy when I saw him walking towards me along the edge of the pool. One Saturday, he didn't show up - and I never saw him again. I was devastated!

There were other boys who also disappeared over the years, including my husband, and someone else many years later. Each time it happened I was devastated all over again!

I've thought about this pattern in my life; and I've worked hard to try and heal the wounds and scars that each experience has left on my heart. I've learned a lot about human nature, mine included, and I've grown.

The most important thing that I have learned is that I can't change other people, but I can change myself. I can make different choices. I can have stronger boundaries. I can learn to discern the signs and symptoms of inappropriate behavior. I can remove myself from these behaviors before I get trapped by my emotions, and my need to fix, or help, or understand too much.

Along the way, I also learned that the first time my heart was broken, was not when I was 13. It wasn't even when I was 10, and my family was separated from my father by a continent, for 9 long months. It happened during the circumstances of my birth.

When was your heart broken for the first time?